Några roliga historier
Jewish Man Praying To Win Lotto
A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray:
"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue.....................
"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!! Back to the synagogue..................
"God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for
help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto so I can get my life back in order?"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
"Jacob, meet me halfway on this one. Buy a ticket !"
An Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as itwas an old style train, therewere no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishmanwere sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.'
And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again .'
Musiclovers
Two music lovers were being held hostage and both were going to be shot. One of them was a country music lover and the other enjoyed all kinds of music. Before they were shot they were asked for one last request before they died.
The country music lover said, "I would like to listen to 'Achy Breaky Heart' fifty times in a row."
The other music lover says, "Please, shoot me first."
Funeral Arrangements
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her
husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director
how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one
wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were
buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her.
So... I switched the heads"
Virusvarning!
Om du får ett e- mail med ärendet "Bad Times" radera det omedelbart utan att läsa det. "Bad Times" är det farligaste virus som någonsin
skapats!
Skicka detta brev vidare till alla som du känner, gärna ALLA arbetskamrater!
"Bad Times" är ett virus som snabbt och enkelt raderar din hårddisk. Och inte nog med det, det angriper alla diskar som står i närheten
av din dator!
Det kommer att vrida upp värmen i din kyl så att din glass smälter.
Det kommer att avmagnetisera alla dina plastkort så att du inte kan använda dem, radera alla inställningar på din TV och använda
ultraviolett strålning för att göra repor i alla dina CD- skivor.
Det kommer att ge ditt telefonnummer till din före detta.
Det kommer att blanda svampbuljong i ditt akvarium.
Det kommer att dricka upp all din öl och lämna smutsiga sockor på bordet då du ska få gäster.
Det kommer att stoppa en död kattunge i bakfickan på dina jeans och gömma dina bilnycklar då du är sen till jobbet.
"Bad Times" kommer att få dig att bli kär i en pingvin.
Det kommer att ge dig mardrömmar om cirkusdvärgar.
Det kommer att hälla socker i din bensintank samtidigt som det går ut på middag bakom din rygg med din nuvarande och hela middagen
betalas med ditt kontokort.
Det kommer att förföra din mormor. Det bryr sig inte om att i fall hon är död, ty så kraftfullt är "Bad Times" viruset. Det sträcker sig
bortom gravens gräns för att besudla de ting som vi älskar mest.
Det kommer att slumpmässigt flytta runt din bil på parkeringen så att du inte hittar den.
Det kommer att sparka din hund/ katt.
Det kommer att lämna meddelanden på din chefs telefonsvarare med din röst!
Det är lömskt och påhittigt.
Det är farligt och förfärande att se.
Det har också en nyans av ljust, ljust lila.
"Bad Times" kommer att ge dig almsjuka.
Det kommer att bjuda dig på cigaretter när du försöker sluta röka.
Det kommer att resa i tiden för att smitta dina förfäder med vanställande genetiska sjukdomar och vandra över jorden med stor
tillspillogivelse.
Det kommer att lämna toalettlocket uppe.
Det kommer att hälla amfetamin i ditt badkar och ringa efter polisen samtidigt som det kokar ägg i mikron och jagar skolbarn med din
jordfräs...
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